One hundred girls.
And one of them is my true love.
My forever soul mate.
The Betty to my Barney.
My cosmetic destiny.
The problem is...
I don't know who she is.
I was leaving a highball bash in the girl's dorm.
Can you hit the basement button, please?
My back was to her when that auspicious blackout hit.
I never got a chance to see her.
It must've been the cloak of darkness concealing my usual romantic block.
Because that night I was smart, I was funny, I was invincible
Did you ever notice in the movie "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory"...
that the Oompa Loompas never wore hairnets?
Do you know what I really hate? Those stickers they put on apples.
By the time you peel it off, you don't want the apple anymore.
I sometimes wish I could just crawl up with a girl.
Just hold each other. Like that picture of John Lennon and Yoko 0no.
That is so sweet.
And that's when it happened.
Our tongues tangled.
And our hands began displaying their in credible night vision.
Her little breasts were just the right size to fill...
a champagne glass.
My impressive man hood in my pants expanded like popcorn.
We never knew each other's names.
Maybe it was the mystery of if all that made it so exciting.
in the morning...
she was gone.
I had to find her.
I didn't get much support from my roommate Rod.
What you're getting so bad out of shape for, man?
- I mean, it's just a girl. - I should've expected you to say that.
- What do you mean? - I mean you're the kind of guy...
who likes those silhouettes of naked women on the mud flaps of trucks.
You play video games watching a porn movie on the picture and picture.
- You revel in the size of your dumps. - Hey, Matt!
You gotta check this out!
Yeah, I do all those things.
This isn't just another girl, Rod. I connected with her.
The last intimate encounter I had with a woman was when I was five.
Id pulled down my pants, and Vickie poured sand on my winky.
This is better than playing with you shovel, man.
Ever since then, I've had this burning need for a woman.
When I was 10 years old, I liked getting a boner so much...
I started taping my pecker so that it would stay up all the time.
I did the same thing, but I used duct tape, man.
Shut up, I'm trying to make a point here.
I've never had this kind of success with a woman before.
When I was 16, I tried talking to girls. I had to write myself cheat notes...
on my hands so I had a list of topics I could talk to the girls about.
- What's that on your hand? - Nothing.
My romantic IQ must've mashed me, because I showed the girl my list.
It's all sorts of things I can talk to you about.
I thought I was the biggest loser of all time.
It wasn't as bad as senior prom, when I spent US$ 150 on Emily...
and didn't even get a kiss of good night.
So you can imagine how impassioned I feel now I've actually met this girl.
You're pathetic, man! I mean, you lose your virginity...
and you don't even get the girl's name!
- What the hell is that? - It's penile power, man.
I got it out of an ad in a magazine, you know?
It's gonna help me increase length and girth by hanging weights, man!
- Check it out, I'm up to 5 pounds. - It's the stroker, not the poker.
Man, I'm doing this for me. Like I always say...
"The angle of the dangle equals the cubic of the pubic".
- What's that have to do with anything? - I don't know. I just like to say it.
This penile power thing is gonna help me increase my libido...
help me maintain a full firm erection...
and it's gonna help me control my ejaculation, baby.
- So I'm gonna do it all night long! - When do you start junior high?
No, man, look here. I'm serious. It works. Check this out.
This is Kung Chang, right? Master of penile power.
Look. He's lifting 500 pounds with his penis, man!
Great, that's useful! is he gonna enter himself in a tractor pull?
Whatever, man.
So what are you gonna do about this girl?
- She left this. - Hey, man, let me see that!
No...
...I don't recognize this one. - Hey, give them back!
What are you gonna do? You're gonna boil them and make soup?
You don't want a girlfriend. Jesus.
And then there's the other thing. You'd spend every Friday night...
watching movies adapted from the latest Jane Austen book.
- You don't want that, man! - It's pretty cold, Rod.
Listen, when it comes to men and women, men get a raw deal.
For centuries, we've been killing over 15 years before our wives...
and all because of all the stress in the work place, right?
But not once have they apologized, man...
for all the millions of years of life we've lost working...
while women stayed home.
I couldn't understand why Rod hated women so much.
I suspected there was some past horror that made him this way.
Man, all you gotta do is find the matching bra to those panties.
- Mystery solved! - That's not a half bad idea.
You're never gonna get in the Virgin Vault, man.
They don't let boys in the girls' side, alright?
- No, this will work. - You're high, man.
0n my own testosterone, maybe. Come with me.
What are you doing, man?
Rod, I focused all my great cerebral powers...
to come up with this bold plan to penetrate the Vault.
What are you? Coyote super genius or something?
Something like that.
Wait! The Coyote never caught the Roadrunner, man!
Got you!
Hi, I'm Matt, the new maintenance man.
Had a call about some rats.
Man in the hall!
Getting my female suspects just about off their rooms...
was as easy as giving away free hair-care products to girls.
It was as if I was a perverted Prince Charming.
instead of Cinderella's glass slippers, I had her panties
I miss you. What you mean, you just wanna be friends?
- Get off me! - Put that away and give me some.
- It's gonna be okay. Come on, baby. - Jesus, can't you see I'm busy?!
- Put that stupid shit away, alright? - Crick, get off!
It's time to give me some, alright?
Just relax, alright?
You stapled my ass!
- What are you doing? - Stop it!
He was gonna kill me. I just hoped to get in...
a few verbal punches before he went Mike Tyson on me.
- Who are you? - I'm Matthew. Your name's Crick.
As in "Crick without a paddle". I've seen you around.
- You're a natural born hipster. - Natural born hipster?
The next evolution of a jock. You traded in your letterman jacket...
for a manicured goatee and an Euro trash ponytail.
You're the worst kind of cool, the kind who wears male make-up.
A real fashion plate.
You're living proof of those boy-toy do of uses in those men's magazines!
I was a goner. But better me than her.
What was the worse? Crick was hopped upon nicotine gum.
A chain-chewer. And he chewed his gum with his mouth open.
I hated that noise. It was my kryptonite
What the hell are you doing here?
- I'm here so save her. - Save her?
How are you gonna do that?
Crick wasn't wearing a shirt. His nipples stood out like knobs...
on an old TV. I don't know what possessed me.
Probably his incessant nicotine-gum chewing.
But my hands reached out like they were drawing twin guns.
I grabbed his nipples and did a double twist.
But, somehow, through his blur of pain, Crick fought back.
He grabbed my nipples and twisted.
It was tit for tat.
So we faced each other. Locked in a nipple combat.
Each trying to endure the retching pains the longest.
Each of us waiting for the other to blink.
And... I cracked.
I'll be back for your ass! And I'll deal with you later!
Here, have some Midol.
It does the trick when my nipples get sore during my period.
Thanks.
Let me see.
They're all bruised.
They are two black eyes.
We should put something cold on them.
- You're bruised too. - Don't worry, I'm used to it.
You're Patty, huh? You do that comic in the school newspaper.
- That's me. - An art- school girl, huh?
- Is that what you call me? - No, I wasn't calling you anything.
in high school, you would have called me a slut.
Now in college, you call me a good time.
You like my skirt, but you're thinking:
"lf her skirt were any shorter, she'd have other cheeks to powder...
and would have to put gloss on another pair of lips".
I wasn't thinking any of that. I think you're a nice girl.
I was lying. I did think all those things.
She may not be perfect, but she oozed sex more than a sponge contraceptive.
She had a cuteness that set off my hair-trigger response.
She got my pecker to strain like a dog on a leash.
What? What's wrong?
- Nothing, I'm sorry. - I'm trying to make it all better.
No. I'm all better.
- You don't like me. - No. I like you just fine.
You're worried about what people say about me.
I've never heard anything.
Sure you have. "lf she still has a cherry, it must be pushed so back...
...she can use it as a taillight". - I've never heard that.
Yes, you have. My reputation precedes me.
It's okay. You know, I'm all for experimentation.
What are these? Are these stress balls?
To relieve tension, like Humphrey Bogart did in that old movie.
"There's three ways to do things aboard my vessel.
The right way, the wrong way and my way.
If you do things my way, we'll get along just fine".
- Those are my pinball balls. - What?
Pinball balls. I put them inside of me, I rock my legs and I get off.
Really?
0kay, I'm sorry, I have to go.
- Hey, Matt. - What's the matter with you?
Penile power.
It seems to be causing a little pain, if you know what I mean.
- So what's plan B, Mr. Coyote? - I'm gonna continue searching.
Everyday, between classes and homework, I'll create a problem.
So they let me into fixit.
Man in the hall!
Once inside, I just figure out a way to get in the girls' rooms.
Hello. This is Phil Gambone calling from KR0K radio.
You won the morning prize. A new car.
You should've been there the day I turned the air-conditioner off.
It was a feast for the eyes!
And there was Cynthia Dessert, the "crème" of womanhood.
She loomed as a titan in my masturbatory dreams.
She's the perfect example of the power women holdover men.
We're paralyzed by their beauty. We're rendered speechless by it.
If we're lucky to say anything to them, it all sounds like gibberish.
You're Matt, the maintenance guy, right?
I need some help in my room.
How can a guy have a real conversation with a girl like this...
when we're made so helpless?
In the animal kingdom, when 2members stare at each other...
it is a test of dominance.
The first one to look away is considered the weaker.
Between a man and a woman, cards are stacked against the man.
Because, let's face it, every time a guy meets a girl...
he wants to check out her breasts.
A man must summon all his will not to lookdown at those golden orbs...
whose wondrous tips are upturned, aimed right at his eyes.
Once a man loses this test of nerves...
the woman knows she has a great secret power over him...
and she can get him to do anything she wants.
Like a sexual sorceress, Cynthia had several men under her spell.
You can use my desk-top PC anytime you want, all semester.
I have an extra pizza. I thought you might want it.
When you're done, I just need some help moving some furniture.
Thanks for getting this masterpiece theater!
- Strange, it was getting only ESPN. - Yeah, it's weird.
- Anybody for a game of foosball? - No, thanks.
Come on, you guys!
What about you, maintenance boy?
You wanna play? Just one game! I'm talking one game here.
It's a bad sign when you meet a girl who wears no make-up.
Unfortunately, I didn't heed the warnings.
Arlene suckered me into a game of strip foosball.
The loser of each goal will have to remove one article of clothing.
Prepare to get naked.
Beat Matt!
I don't know why you girls get such fiendish delight in defeating men.
- We've been emasculated all life. - You're just trying to distract me.
I'm serious. My mom taught me who was boss when I was 5 years old.
She started spanking me with a wooden spoon.
We've been forced into submissive roles all our lives.
You might as well be wearing those little French maid outfits.
Your dumb stories will not throw me off my game.
I'm trying to make a point here. Let me tell you.
I've never felt more manly then the day my mother broke her spoon...
on my hard buttocks.
The tyranny of the spoon was over, and my ass was liberated.
Until today. I'm kicking your hole.
My greatest fear was being realized.
What if one of these girls was my elevator Aphrodite?
What if she saw me getting beaten by a girl?
It's goal time.
Score!
Now I wanna see my trophy.
Thank God I turned the thermostat up that day...
otherwise my man hood would've recoiled like a turtlehead...
instead of hanging out like an anaconda waiting for a match.
Man, you lost to a girl?
Yeah, and my pride shrank like my scrotum on a snow day.
Speaking of scrotum, I think I can...
add a little weight.
I'm up to 10 pounds, baby.
I wonder why God equipped women with all the weapons for seduction?
What do you mean?
Take the breasts, for example.
You've the bosom...
the aureole... the nipple.
Three concentric circles.
in other words, it's the bull's eye.
Its no wonder the breast is the target for all men.
- That's profound. - And men are grotesque.
I'm not just talking about the little habits we have...
like cleaning our ears with our car keys.
We're grotesque to the core. Look at the penis.
It looks like God had some left-over skin when he was making elbow...
...and he slapped in our groin. - Man, it freaks me out.
The penis is the first to shrivel when it's cold...
and it's the first to shrink in fear.
The penis is a cowardly flap of left-over elbow flesh.
You wouldn't think that way if you had a little of my penile power.
I screwed up the air-conditioning in the Virgin Vault again today.
This time is too hot, so that girls will strip down to next to nothing.
I should be getting a call anytime now to fix it.
- Do you have any suspects yet? - No, there's too many choices.
Their dorm is a Whitman sampler of women!
A virtual pot-pourri of pussy.
It's more than sex. Those women have distinct personalities.
Look over there. You see that girl?
I call her Ever Tan Barbara.
Who's the girl with the magic markers up there?
It's René. She writes cheat notes on her breasts.
See next door? That's Sasha. She's totally into purple.
Have you seen that girl at the front desk, Rhonda?
She can be really cute, but she has this habit of picking her eyebrows.
Yeah, nice from afar, but far from nice!
And you're right. Some girls watch Jane Austen movies every Friday.
The literary world has a term for those fanatics. "Janeites".
My God, let's watch it tonight. I'll make the popcorn!
There's this girl Penny. Ever seen her?
She's always on the phone crying with her long-distance boyfriend.
He wants to break up with her. She is on the same floor as Maureen...
...who has a new hair-style everyday! - I've seen her around.
Who's that girl with the green slime, man?
You've found Dana. She's on a all-algae diet.
- And who's the hummer on three? - That's Michelle.
She sounds like some kind of Buddhist monk, don't you think?
So, have you got any more suspicious suspects yet?
I have that one girl who never comes out of her room.
So I stake out her room. I just hear a little bit of rustling.
I bet you that she's your mystery woman.
- Hurry up, the movie is at 7:30. - I can't lock the door.
Forget about it. We're gonna miss the trailer for "North anger Abbey".
Saturday nights were the best for sneaking into girls' rooms.
They went out on dates or home for the weekend. The dorm was empty.
Except for Dora. She never had anywhere to go on Saturday night.
I did have to admit I’ve seen cuter girls in "National Geographic".
She's the kind of girl about whom Rod would say...
I wouldn't even screw her with your dick, man.
But I felt for her.
When you're not good-looking, you become a failure by default.
People treat you like you have the Ebola virus.
They don't wanna get near, because what you have might be contagious.
It's cruel.
This Women Studies class is gonna be a breeze.
We get to check out all the pretty girls.
I think we made a really big mistake.
Today we are gonna study patriarchal infrastructures...
that exercise gender-based discrimination.
Who can give me examples?
The pope won't allow women priests.
Why can a man be promiscuous, but a woman is called a slut?
Why is it called "his story", instead of "her story"?
Why women shoes are always so uncomfortable?
An older man can go out with a young woman, but an older woman...
...can't go out with a young man. - Very good.
The boys in the back, would you care to contribute?
You enrolled in my class to meet girls, didn't you?
There's a couple of you every semester.
None of you ever last.
Great
I need to maintain at least 3.75 GPA to keep my scholar ship.
Now Elsa, of the SS, is gonna make me lose it.
I'll enjoy teaching you boys a lesson.
One Saturday, I got careless.
Disasters truck moments after I had to drain my main vein.
Women have a sixth sense. They know when something is a miss.
They see things that go undetected to a man's eye.
From the slightest detail, she knew there had been a male presence.
And I was such a fool.
I had left behind the most damning piece of evidence.
But this girl was a pro. She could have been trained by my mother
My eyes!
Matthew?
It's me, Wendy, from eleventh grade Trig!
We all sat in the back because Mr. Perialas had such a bad breath.
I'm looking for this girl. lf you don't believe me, check my right pocket.
- I have her panties in there. - I believe you.
- So you're gonna check every girl? - lf I can ever see again!
This is so romantic! Hey, I'll help you!
I'm a sucker for matchmaking!
I wanna let you know, we're gonna be doing the lights today, okay?
I just want to let you know that you're hair looks really cute.
And that's all. 0kay, thank you. Bye-bye.
With the help of my faithful companion Wendy, I found a match.
I waited impatiently for my mystery maiden to return. It was hours.
Finally my romantic quest was rewarded. She was a goddess.
More than I could ever possibly have hoped for.
I was corrupt with happiness.
immediately declared all the feelings I had had for her.
I think even the word "love" was used.
I love you.
She kept me frozen in suspense, as awaited for her response.
Needless to say, my spirits crashed like a karmic Kinden berg.
Stop soaking, man.
Don't you get it? Women are nothing but trouble!
Great. Here we go again.
Hear me out, man. Women complain that all men want...
their girls to look like models, and it makes them angry...
that they have to live up to this expectation. But what about us?
We live with the disappointment that our women won't look like it.
They ever take that in consideration? No.
We've been conditioned to expect something that we'll never get!
And what's worse! Men age better than women.
While we get better over time, we get with women with saggy tits...
who start wearing those bathing suits that cover the belly-buttons!
Then, they get those short asexual haircuts, and their thunder thighs!
Making love to a woman turns a man into a cellulite surfer!
Who gets the better in the deal?
I wonder what prom-night succubus or second-date siren...
had in stilled him such zealous misogyny.
Can you believe? I've gained a half an inch since I started using this!
Where do you start when you measure your dick, man?
Alright, admit it. I’ve measured my dick. Weal have.
But the evolved man that I was, I didn't wanna give Rodman answer.
- In your case, from the neck up. - Screw you, man!
So, hey, what are you reading?
I was just checking to make sure the paper printed my ad.
I've no clue anymore how to find my black-out knock-out...
so every week I take up a personal ad in the school newspaper...
telling my mystery girl that I'll be waiting every Thursday night...
in the basement of the Virgin Vault.
So, in complete darkness, we can renew our relationship...
until both of us decide to reveal our identities.
You sit in the dark every Thursday night?
You're a sick man. You're a freak!
- That's it. I'm outta here. - Alright, man. Take it easy.
And if she's easy, take her twice.
My whole operation was a romantic bay of pigs.
Id already spent several Thursday nights in the dark...
and she'd yet to show up.
It's me. Wendy.
- She didn't come, did she? - No.
- How did you know I was down here? - I read your personal ad.
It's after midnight. She's probably not gonna show.
But I thought you might want some dinner. Come for a food.
Wendy was the über-girl next door.
A testament to why women in our society are cheer-leaders.
Everything she did was perfect.
She was arousing in that virginal MaryAnn, not Ginger sort of way.
This kind of girl is scary.
She's the kind of girl you take home to mom.
And even scarier, she's the kind you marry and she becomes your mom.
She dresses you, feeds you...
leaves notes on toilettes telling you what chores need to be done.
She's scary because you could see yourself falling for her.
But, at the same time, you feel that if you fall for her...
you're settling for just the average.
What?
You're just so perfect.
I hate when people say that. I don't wanna be perfect.
So my dad had polio when he was a kid...
and he had this really bad leg.
And whenever he walked...
he made this creepy...
thumping noise.
And just super creepy.
I remember him coming home from work and...
walking down the long hallway to kiss me good night.
I was scared because all I could hear was the thumping, you know?
So I hid under my covers.
is it not sad to be so afraid of your father?
I was really scared of the Wizard of 0z. That Margaret Hamilton...
who does the wicked witch was so hair-raising, you know?
And that music...
it scared me so much.
I'd get so scared I couldn't sleep, `cause it'd get stuck in my head.
Sometimes, do you know what I did to calm myself?
I remembered that Dorothy killed the witch by putting water on her.
So I'd lie in bed and I'd work up this big water spit.
And I knew that if the witch came to get me I'd just spit on her...
and she'd melt.
I just told you a sad story about my family, and that's all you can say?
I'm sorry. I'm tragically glib.
Men have this anti-intimacy force field a round them...
that is powered by sarcasm, humor and a version.
Why is that?
The force is strong with this one.
Maybe it's because a man can fall in love with a different girl everyday.
Maybe it's just nature's way of protecting a man from himself.
How do you feel about the name "Francesca"?
Do you know that Muslim men shave their pubic hairs?
No wonder so many of them become terrorists!
I can't breathe!
I can't see!
Fascinating!
Can you blame guys for being so horny? Look at the dress.
It's one big symbol for easy access.
Have you ever calculated how many hours' women have wasted...
deciding on what kind of shoes to wear?
Foxy lady!
Trust me. They will get drunk, they do it every Thursday night.
And they talk about everything once they're plastered.
So, as Francesca, try to make one of them...
reveal that she had sex on an elevator in a black-out.
Did I ever tell you about when I got a bloody nose while giving head?
0nce I got my gum stuck in the guy's pubis while giving a blow job.
I've got you all beaten.
When I was about to swallow it, I laughed and it came out my nose.
Girls are way grosser than guys!
A friend had sex in an elevator. Have any of you ever tried that?
I have it. I had a boyfriend who liked to rub it between my toes.
Then he blamed when he got athlete's foot on his dong!
Francesca's night was a major bust. That stunk!
Well, maybe you just need to try something different, you know?
instead of hoping for hard evidence on your romantic suspect...
maybe you should just get to know these girls.
You might get a vibe as to which one she is.
You're right. I do need to do something I've been avoiding.
I need to lower my anti-intimacy shield.
If you had a choice, would you rather be warm or smart?
So, why is it purple?
Isn't "American cheese" appropriately named?
It's fake and processed, just like America.
Tell me something...
who's the idiot who invented the buttoned-down fly?
There are dogs who sniff melanoma in humans before it's diagnosed.
Have you ever noticed, they only give hurricanes wasp names...
like hurricane Andrew? You never hear Giuseppe or Mohammed.
Why older people pull their pants up over their belly-buttons?
Why in golf is it good to shoot under par...
but a sub-par performance in anything else is bad?
Do you know what the best phrase is? "I'm ready for anything".
I can't speak to Cynthia as Matt. I start speaking gibberish.
But I have a silver tongue with her when I am Francesca!
These things are supposed to get rid of cellulite. Come on.
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
How often do you bikini wax?
- Everyday. - I thought I was a fanatic!
God, that's Sam! He cannot see me with these pants and no make-up!
Wait, wait a second! I got your term paper!
I even got one of those plastic covers! You don't have to...
Hold on a second! I'll come to you!
- Come on! - I'm coming, Cynthia!
- So what's the big deal? - I'm not stupid. I get things easy.
The guys will do anything for me because of the way I look.
I know that.
And if Sam saw me in these...
I might lose my edge with him.
Like at "Green Legend", they lost the power ring.
- Who? - Never mind. You're lucky.
No, I'm not.
It'd be great if guys always wanted to do things for me.
No, it's a curse. You see...
nothing is a challenge for me. Everything is made easy.
And if I ever actually do something on my own...
everyone assumes that I got there because of my looks. It sucks.
So ready to go again?
It's just easier to talk to Cynthia as a girl than as a guy.
- There's nothing at stake. - How do you mean?
When you're a guy talking to a girl like her, you're going for all the marbles.
She's a Super Bowl of women.
And you know, if you screw up and she rejects you...
then every other girl after Cynthia is gonna seem like a compromise.
And you just know you aren't good enough to get a girl like her.
That's why I don't talk to girls in her league.
I just don't wanna know that I've crashed and burned.
I won't ever get the opportunity to put her ring around my 11th finger.
What are you reading?
- Nothing. - It's gotta be something.
Why are you talking to me?
I don't know. It's quiet around here. I'm Matthew.
- What's your name? - Ghost face.
What?
- They called me so in high school. - I'm sorry.
It's okay. I kind of like it. It's better than being called...
"The Poster Child for Abortion" or "The Girl with the Vertical Smile".
I was trying to be friendly.
Maybe she could tell still thought she was contagious.
Men wanna be quarantined from unattractive girls.
We place so much emphasis on physical beauty...
we're afraid to be infected by one of these girls' inner beauty.
Let's not have a pity party. Please, you're blocking my light.
Thanks for getting us the Lifetime channel, Matthew.
No problem. Just don't tell anybody I pirated. It's a felony.
Anybody up for a game? How about you, Matt? 0r are you chicken?
Our grudge match escalated into a cold war of words.
Girls are just users. Look at the praying mantis, for instance.
After they're finished doing the nasty, the female eats the head...
...of her male mate. - I should expect a remark like that...
from someone who thinks a car is an extension of his penis.
And a person is an extension of a woman's vagina?
Score!
We aren't filthy pigs like men. We're always picking after you.
Why are you so worked up? PMS and quitting smoking at the same time?
A woman can't get mad, unless it's her period! You're so close-minded!
Yeah, but about all the right things.
Goal! Two - zip. Time to strip.
America is so one-sided. Wedding gifts are a demonstration of that.
What all the newly-weds get? Kitchen stuff. Girlie crap.
Small trade-off for having to cook for some lazy ass man!
Lazy? Then answer me this: When you're walking with a girl...
why does the guy have to slow down, instead of her speeding up?
Who said going slower is better? It's not. Going faster is better.
And more exercise. How about that?
Goal.
At least, we don't start wars.
Maybe if we got laid a little bit more often, we wouldn't be so.
Maybe you'd get laid more often, if you knew what you're doing in bed.
You've got it easy. You touch a guy anywhere and it feels good.
With a woman, it's like finding a needle in a haystack.
While we're on the subject, you find it gross to go down on a guy...
and, when you do it, it's like a really big deal!
But guys are willing to go diving for oysters anytime, anywhere.
We're more willing to give pleasure, we're less selfish.
At this remark, I thought Arlene would spontaneously combust.
- You're so sexist! - You know what? I am.
- So are you. - I am not!
You sound like Louis Farrakhan saying only white men are racist.
But we all have prejudices. Black, white, male, female.
- Goal. - You cheated!
How can you do that? I wasn't even looking!
My God, you cheated!
This was bad. This wasn't my glorious wrestling fancy.
- You cheated, admit it! - We didn't lay down any rules!
Maybe that was the problem.
There were no rules between men and women.
And this lack of rules made girls...
and specially us guys like these foosball players.
We had giant steels takes for a heart and we're spinning out of control.
I was just as bad as Rod. But I finally had something to say...
when I was called on in my Woman Studies class.
There's no clear defined rules between men and women.
Each side thinks they're playing fair and they're being cheated.
Maybe this is why men and women bring out the poison in one another.
Rubbish! We all know there are rules!
Rules that are enforced and imposed by the contemporary patriarchy...
of western civilization!
Saturday after midterms seemed like an ordinary Saturday night.
I checked on the girl who never came out of her room.
Then I noticed that Dora wasn't in her usual spot.
Dora!
Have you girls seen Dora?
Have you guys seen Dora?
She's up there.
- Why aren't you doing anything? - She does this every semester.
Id break the VCRs o those girls couldn't watch Jane Austen movies.
Let's play West.
0ne more flight.
Don't do it!
The first time I did this, nobody noticed.
- Now nobody cares. - I care.
Why are you doing this?
- I was born with the greatest curse. - What's that?
I'm ugly and I'm also very smart.
- You're not ugly. - I know what's in store for me.
No one will ever have passion for me.
People all around me will be falling in love and making love...
and getting married and having kids.
The closest thing I'll ever have to that...
is someone inviting me to their Christmas dinner...
because they feel guilty, I might be spending the holiday alone.
0r, if I'm lucky, my male counterpart...
an obese man or a guy with a harelip, will invite me to coffee...
and we'll pretend to love each other and tighten up...
because we're so desperately afraid of growing old alone.
I had a bad feeling this girl might jump this time.
I felt terrible that I had treated her like she had the Ebola virus.
There was something inside this girl I wanted to expose myself to.
She was so self-aware, so sensitive.
Maybe she noticed the change in me.
Come on, let's go back inside.
0nly if you admit that I'm right.
You're probably right.
You didn't have to worry.
I just like to come up here sometimes and see what it might be like.
I found out what Dora was reading all those Saturday nights.
D.H. Lawrence, Colette and Henry Miller.
"Sylvester, yes, he knows how to build a fire.
But I know how to inflame your cunt.
I shoot hot bolts into you, Tania.
I make your ovaries incandescent".
Can you imagine someone being that passionate for you?
Your turn.
"Your Sylvester is a little jealous now.
He feels something, doesn't he? The reminiscence of my big prick.
I set the shores a little wider. I ironed out the wrinkles.
After me, you can take on stallions, bulls, rams...
saint bernards".
Being Francesca has its disadvantages.
What happened?
Last night, my roommate, Rod, came to find me.
He didn't recognize me as Francesca.
God!
Jesus Christ!
So he starts looking at my dress.
I know exactly what he's doing. Because I do it when I can too.
Whenever men look at a girl, they imagine her naked.
So that's what he's doing to me right there.
I felt...
...violated. - I know the feeling.
It's no wonder that women have to be the gatekeepers of sex.
With the way men are, women could initiate the sexual battle...
whenever they wanted.
Guys are just simply always willing to volunteer for sex.
Their attitude towards it, it's like putting jam into a jelly donut.
I tested the concept with Rod.
So what do you wanna do about it?
What are you talking about?
You just said "I love you".
No, you got me wrong. I said "olive soup".
- What? - 0live soup.
So he was all ready to do it with you?
It proves men are irresponsible when it comes to genital gymnastics.
I have this theory that has to do with shopping.
- Shopping? - Women have more practice at it.
They can go into a store, circle something and they won't buy it!
They're learning self-restraint.
Men only go shopping when we know exactly what we're gonna get.
Men and women treat sex the exact same way.
- Your theory has some validity. - It's not only sex.
Women are more responsible about everything!
The fact of the matter is, women really rule the world.
Thank you.
The irony is that women are not pointed to recognizable positions.
They have to carry out their work at the underground.
Men are afraid of putting women to the work place, because they know...
women will rise to their proper levels on top.
- I think you're right. - I've got a cookie for you here.
Thank you.
Care to come in and share a bowl of Captain Crunch?
Patty had a way of even making "Captain Crunch" sound sexy.
No, I have work to do.
Look, don't be afraid. I know you like some other girl than me.
Here, have some. It's the original.
There's some syrup to put on it. That's how I like it.
How do you know I like some other girl?
- By the way that you look at me. - And how is that?
There's a certain way a man stares at the woman he loves.
The man looks like a boy on his birthday.
And he treats the woman as if she were a gift...
that he's waited so long to open...
and now he can't wait to see what the treasure is inside.
You don't give me that look.
You know how Captain Hook could always hear the crocodile...
from the tic-tac of his clock in the crock's belly?
That's the way it was for me with Crick and his nicotine gum.
- I knew I'd find you two together. - He was all high on nicotine gum.
I had to get Patty out of there.
The best way to do that was to focus his testosterone on me.
You know something, Crick, I was wondering.
The bad guys of the world really know they're being bad...
or they think they're good guys when they act like sphincters?
I don't know. You tell me, smart guy.
- So you think you're a good guy? - I know I am.
You're the one who's trying to steal my chick. I'm the cool one.
Cool? That's another thing that bothers me.
I was just reading that one in six people think they're cool.
What is that like? A billion people are cool? That just can't be right!
If everybody is cool, then really nobody is cool.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Look at you. The modern-day media, the magazines, the TV...
they show us what coolness is, so that you pony-tale pretenders...
can go out there and buy coolness, thus fooling the weak-minded.
I had enough of you, buddy!
Get off me!
We'd never win this fight with Crick. lonely had one desperate chance.
Bastard!
Get the hell off me!
Bastard! What the fuck!
I think we ditched him.
Patty!
- What was that? - My pinball balls.
- You had them in while eating? - Yeah, it's incredible.
There you are!
I was a dead man. But then fate intervened.
After Crick hobbled away in pain, we were still drunk with laughter.
I guess that's what made me do it.
Patty came on to me again, and succumbed.
I tried to rationalize. I thought maybe I could learn from her...
maybe this is why God made women like this...
so that sexually impaired like me would've someone to practice on.
At this moment, she wasn't a slut.
She was a luscious voice of experience.
Sweet leaping Jesus!
I figured that nobody on their deathbed looks back and says:
"l wish I had made love less".
We didn't make love the way they do it in the movies...
where the guy slides in between her legs like a hot knife through butter.
No, this was like real life.
No, not that hole.
I can't get in. You're sure there's not another ball in there?
No, here. Let me help you.
No, we didn't make cinema love.
We made the kind of love where you just laugh together...
when bodies make that noise when air gets trapped in between you.
Patty taught me things.
You don't have to kiss me the whole time.
Seems like you're kissing me just to avoid looking at me.
Look into my eyes. Concentrate on me.
Concentrate on us.
Id only done it twice, but now I knew why men love sex so much.
Because while you're doing it, you feel like you're as good...
if not better than every other man.
The feeling of that grease makes you sure you're in the correct path.
Madonna mia!
That everything is right in the world.
Our transcendent fusion was not the romantic type, it was just fun.
My experience with her was not serious and nothing cosmic.
I used her.
- I feel terrible. - Don't worry about it.
Did I tell you I'm up to 15 pounds over here?
I treated her like she was my sexual training wheels...
something I'd use to learn and I'd discard when I no longer need them.
And what if the elevator girl finds out? She's gonna think I'm a dick.
Man, it's your manifest destiny to nail her.
in every species, it's the male function to perpetuate its line.
Why should it be any different for you?
You should embrace your destiny, not deny it.
How are you gonna get by with this attitude towards women, Rod?
I'm gonna get rich. I'll give me one of those low-life whores...
give her a nice car, a bunch of credit cards, lots of cash.
in return, she'll take care of the kids and give me sex on demand.
What's your problem? What happened to make you hate women so much?
- There's no problem. - Something had happened. I knew it.
There was definitely a horror in Rod's past.
And it was the encounter with the monster that Rod called "woman".
- What's your horror story? - There's no story, man.
You're the one that's got a problem with women, not me.
Maybe if you tried this thing, you wouldn't be so nervous all the time.
Not only have my length and girth increased, but so has my virility, baby.
Just the other day, I boned this girl all night long.
Yeah? What girl?
Francesca.
- Yeah, right! - Yeah, man. She's doable.
- In your dreams! - She is, man. I'm telling you!
We had sex all night long. She may be ugly, but I ain't complaining.
I'm shepherd happy.
God, I hate guys
Dick!
More than half of the semester had passed, my debutante of the dark...
my doll of destiny, hadn't presented herself.
I had almost lost all hope when something happened.
- Matthew? - You're here!
My God, you know my name! That's wonderful!
- Stop trying to find me. - What?
I don't want you to find me.
- Can we talk about this for a second? - There's nothing to talk about.
I don't like you.
Wait, can you... Wait, hey, wait!
I chased her like I was Popeye Doyle chasing that train.
Got you!
I lost her.
- Do you wanna talk about it? - No, I'm okay.
My anti-intimacy force field was on the autopilot.
Come on, might make you feel better.
I was feeling so bad, I decided to put the anti-intimacy on manual.
- I lowered it. - Tell me about it.
I figured she had a boyfriend...
or she was drunk that night and she didn't remember.
0r I deluded myself into thinking she thought I was some pre-med...
or pre-law Adonis, and that wouldn't care when I found her.
I never thought it was because she didn't like me.
- Maybe there's another reason. - I don't think so.
I should've figured it had something to do with me.
Testosterone must really fill the ego, because...
I've stored plenty of both. I'm just a big steaming pile of loser.
What do you think I am? It's midnight and I'm cleaning my room.
- Is your mom coming tomorrow? - Yeah, you guessed it.
How do you get along with your folks?
in 9th grade, I wanted to read these James Bond novels.
My mom wouldn't allow it, unless my father cut out the sex scenes.
She said, "That doesn't happen in real life". And certainly not to me.
I had to get glasses. I begged my mom to let me get contact lenses.
"lf I get glasses, mom, I couldn't be handsome like James Bond".
She just never let me feel like I could be sexy.
- I still feel that way. - God!
Parents always try to turn us into something we don't wanna be!
I wish I could be more than my parents' perfect little girl.
That looks like fun.
Wait. 0nly I'm allowed to.
- Now we're even. - Really?
Hi, mom.
This is Matt.
Finals were nearing, and so was the end of the school year .
I was running out of time.
Look what it did to my "Pride and Prejudice" tape.
This is a catastrophe!
I had one last chance, one last strategy.
If I improved myself, doing more than keeping my nails clean...
maybe my cosmetic destiny might change her opinion of me.
She was out there somewhere watching me.
I decided, the first step in my taking a scouring to my soul...
...was peace in the gender war. - Another point, pussies?
- Forget it. I'm outta here. - Come on, just one more game!
I'll play.
I was a maze by how well Arlene and I complemented each other.
Arlene had a soft touch, knowing just where to set me up.
She let my power game do its magic.
She was an excellent cheer-leader.
She never got pissed when I blew a point.
It's okay, you're doing good. You get it next time.
My balls and her energy drove us to new performance heights.
Come on, Arlene, smoke them!
Our masculine and feminine sides brought up the best in each other.
We went together, like yinandyang.
Potato chips and soda. Men and women.
Because Crick and his buddy had the same styles, they often collided.
They were missing something. They had the power, but no strategy.
There was too much ego. They spent more time fighting each other.
You keep your arm on your side!
- That's game, guys. - End match. Now drop them.
You cheated!
Let's see those trophies, boys. Let's see them.
Girls, it's just because it's cold in here. It's freezing, I swear.
I know sometimes you think guys like me can be pigs.
I get sensitive sometimes. Comes from growing up with 6 brothers.
I know, but I wanna tell you something.
It's hard for me sometimes to figure out how to be a man.
What do you mean?
I can blame my father a little bit. My male role model.
My dad loves ice-cream so much, he'd do anything to get it.
More than once, ld watch him running out in the middle of the street...
in his underwear, after the ice-cream truck.
How is that supposed to teach me to be a man, right?
Back in the day, boys would go out with their fathers to work...
or they'd take the weekend and go hunting.
At their fathers' sides, boys learn to be men.
in the computer age, boys are at home and fathers, at the offices.
There's no more apprenticeships left.
It leaves me in the street, looking at my father...
is his under wear eating ice-cream sandwich.
- Some role model. - Right!
If I can't grasp what a man is, how am I gonna understand women?
I wouldn't say that. You understand women better than most men.
Thank you.
I love women.
I love those emerald pools masquerading as eyes.
Lips. I love smiles...
and the yawns. The eating.
With skin so soft, women are head to toe cashmere.
A woman skin inspires a man's fingers to have Magellan's love of exploration.
It's women's bellies that drive me wild.
It's more than the only part of the body you easily see naked.
The belly hints at the pleasures beyond.
You're so near and yet so far.
Everything about a woman draws you to her sexuality.
The small triangle between her legs is like the head o fan arrow...
which points, "Go here!"
Or if you follow the graceful line of the pectoral is major...
it inevitably draws your eyes to the golden orbs...
climaxed by the nipple.
God is in the details. And the nipple is His greatest detail.
Dora loved the video I made of her.
But I couldn't take the credit. I said 95% of directing is casting.
See? You're beautiful.
So, Cynthia, why aren't you out on a Saturday night?
Because my face got flattened like road kill after the couch fell on me.
Sorry.
It was weird that I felt comfortable talking to her now...
that her looks didn't distract me.
She was the same girl, really.
- So what are you reading? - "World Religion and Us".
This guy was supposed to give me his notes, but he never called me.
I was reading about these religious scholars who found out that...
the phrase "walking in the water" meant "walking by the water".
isn't that interesting? Perhaps Jesus didn't perform any miracle.
We thought he did, because we made a mistake in the translations.
I hear you. But you know what's really messed up?
God loves us, right?
Then why does he let bad things happen to good people?
I don't know. I guess God has a plan for everybody, right?
His plan for me sucks!
You've got strong legs.
Id been avoiding Patty for a while. I didn't know how to handle it.
But I was thinking about her. So Francesca went to hangout with her.
So what do you think about that maintenance guy Matt?
- He's not my type really. - Why is that?
I don't know. He just sort of seems distracted to me.
It was then that I heard the cracking of Crick's nicotine gum.
Patty, I just heard of what you've been doing with Mr. Fix-it.
- Can we talk about this later? - No, we'll talk about it right now!
- Please, just let go off me! - Let her go!
You want to some of me too? It looks like it's just the two of us.
Relax, and we'll get along just fine.
Are you a slut too? Everything will be fine. Just relax.
Crick was chewing his nicotine gum in year.
Like kryptonite, it drained any superpowers I had left in my body.
All that went through my mind was what Crick had in store for me.
Do you like it? I'm gonna give it to you good.
Now give us a kiss.
I had to do something.
This was not the night that little girl Francesca was to become a woman.
I read later that four thousand women a year are murdered by their men.
I don't understand women. But, for a moment...
I had an inkling about their feelings towards men.
I didn't tell anyone about what happened. I was too ashamed.
And if that wasn't bad enough...
I discovered Rod choking the chicken to the video I made of Dora.
What happened to your dick?
It's called hypospadias. The hole in your dick is...
it's not on the tip, it's underneath.
Spooky! It's kind of like having your mouth below your chin.
Sort of.
Don't tell anyone, alright?
Specially those girls you've been hanging out with.
I showed it to a girl once, and she freaked out.
It was then I realized this was Rod's horror.
I haven't taken it out in front of a chick ever since.
So how do you pee?
I either, you know, lift it up real high or...
if I'm lazy, I just give it a twist or something.
So this was what it was all about.
The penile power was a way to prove his manhood.
And to build himself up, Rod had to run down women.
Men are so insecure about their masculinity.
What pathetic creatures we are.
- You must think I'm a total faggot. - No. Not at all.
Did you ever see the James Bond flick "The Man with the Golden Gun"?
- Yeah, what about it? - Remember Scaramaga's 3rd nipple?
- Yeah, so? - It was the "superfluous papilla".
And Bond made a fake one so he can get in the Scaramaga's hide-out.
You're missing the point. The 3rd nipple was a sign of sexual virility.
So maybe your penis doesn't make you an elephant man.
Maybe it makes you a superman.
Cool.
I had learned something from Rod's groinular fixation.
His horror was my horror too. It was everymen's horror.
Deny we may, but we're all afraid of women.
Every single one of them. Time had run out.
Finals were in a week. Soon, everyone would be leaving the dorms.
The next semester, some would relocate to off-campus housing.
If I had any hope for finding my cosmetic destiny...
I had to face my greatest fear.
I went to the Vault and declared my love in front of 1OOgirls.
I'm Matt.
I explained everything done for my cosmetic destiny.
My speech must be my Sistine Chapel...
my Ninth Symphony, my "Citizen Kane".
My words needed to be more inspirational...
than Martin Luther King's "l Have a Dream" speech.
They had to be more miraculous than Mark McGuire's 7th home run.
I used impressive words like "destiny", "soul mate", "yearnings".
It takes a big man to yearn. I put my heart out.
Without you, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog in the highway!
I have gift anxiety. Even though I don't know when your birthday is!
We can spend perfect days shopping and cooking together.
I'll never make wise cracks...
when you scrape your tires against the curb or parallel parking.
If you concede to live with me, I'll clean the toilette every week.
I'll do it with my tongue if you ask.
I'll strike the words "hooters" and "love rockets" from my vocabulary.
I'll love you even if you are Mimi and you want me to say "May-May".
I'll only pass gas underneath the covers in the direst circumstances.
I'll go on a low-cholesterol diet.
And I won't buy a red sports car when I have my mid-life crisis.
Your parents can come visit us every week.
Even if your mom is a big witch with a capital B.
Your folks don't have to go to a retirement home.
They can live with us. I declare, I'll separate the whites from the colors...
I'll learn the mysteries of hot water and cold water washes.
I'll never huff and puff waiting for you to put on your make-up.
If you're a cat person, I'll never say that a dog can save your life.
I'll happily go see flicks with you, like "Pride and Prejudice".
I'll make a point to try new foods, like okra gumbo.
I won't turn my nose at vegetables whose awful taste...
is disguised by having cheese put on it.
I pledge to always say "yes" when you ask, "is my hair looking okay?"
I'm gonna bring a whole new meaning to the word "cuddle".
I'll be thoughtful enough to read you horoscope everyday.
I'm gonna save every birthday card you send me.
And I'll actually write you real letters when we're apart.
I'm never gonna expect you to know where I left my car keys...
and I'll never leave my socks on the floor.
With me, you'll find the cap's always on the toothpaste.
I'll start wearing those male bikini underwear if you like.
My belly-button will always be free.
I wanna kiss your clitoris.
It will be the most passionate, intimate experience you ever had.
I declare now, I'll give my life for you.
If you fail to come to me...
I know some part of me will surely die.
I'm the one, Matt!
No, I'm the one!
No, I'm the girl from the elevator!
Shut up! I'm the one!
I'm not the one, but I'll go out with you!
My God.
I could have my choice of any girl.
Whoever wanted could be the mystery girl.
It' eat me up inside if didn't find my true cosmetic destiny.
I would always wonder who it might have been.
It was here I knew it!
I raced to the door of the girl who never came out of her room.
There she was. My once and future love.
I'm not the girl.
She's a couple of doors down.
Patty, I know it's you.
- Go away. - Patty...
You fell in love with another girl in that elevator.
I'm not that girl.
- I fell in love with you. - No, you didn't.
I tried to make you love me, but you were in love with her.
Why do you think that?
By the way you look at me.
Go away.
is that what you really want?
Yeah, that's what I want.
Buck up, man. It looks like you got weights dangling from your dangler.
- Smile. - It wasn't my dangler...
that had weights on it. It was my heart.
Check it out. The bust got busted.
It was only my first time. I swear.
I told her not to use water-soluble link. Her cheat note sweat through.
Cynthia's having a good semester. She found something she's good at.
Those heavy ant cellulite pants built up the strength in her legs.
For an actual attacker...
...you do something like that. - She can kick some ass!
The coach says, he's never seen anything like it.
And that concludes the martial arts demonstration for the night.
The last day of class, I dropped the bomb on Elsa, she-wolf of the SS.
Ms. Stern, I'm sick of coming into your class three days a week...
and hearing my sex is responsible for all the problems in the world.
You don't give us any room for questioning.
Part of the problem is feminist. There's just too many "ist".
Feminist, chauvinist, capitalist, communist, racist, sexist.
They fight one another, instead of trying to understand one another.
The only "ist" that should be are humanists.
- I agree with Matt! - I applaud him!
Elsa couldn't respond. She just stood there...
as if she heard the distant roar of the allied bombers...
coming to destroy her propaganda machine.
Without his tongue, Crick sounded like he was mentally challenged.
And although Crick would never sweet-talk a girl again...
he still needed to be accounted for his actions.
I made the ultimate sacrifice a man can make to get rid of him forever.
You're not gonna bother her again.
- You go to hell! - I'm turning you in.
- What for? - I fought through the shame.
I'm going to the police. You sexually assaulted me.
- You'll never prove it. - My bravery inspired others.
- He did it to me too! - Me too.
- And me. - Together, we put Crick away.
Wendy had a big confession.
I'm a lesbian.
Why didn't you tell me?
I was afraid of what people might think. Specially my parents.
Why are you telling me now?
I think I can deal with it now.
That's why I initially helped you with your search.
I was hoping that while you were out finding your girl...
you might find one for me.
So I fixed her up with Arlene...
who I discovered practiced an alternative life-style too.
It was a big week. also found time to fix Dora and Rod up.
Their night was electrifying, and they've been to get her ever since.
I don't know what it was.
Maybe it was the romantic power of candlelight...
but I decided to give it one last try.
I've been watching you And all you do
For quite some time
Knowing all the ins And outs of you
Is would've known What was on your mind
But all the world is Spinning round and round
Inside my head tonight
I remembered what Patty talked about.
There's a certain way a man stares at the woman he loves.
The man looks like a boy on his birthday.
He treats the woman as if she were a gift he's waited so long to open...
and now he can't wait to see what treasure is inside.
Don't let this end tonight
Because lm starting to fall
So let me in
All that I wanted from you
Was something you'd never do
So let me in Please tonight
Because I'm starting to fall
They got together. That's nice.
Sweet leaping Jesus!